As I mentioned last week, the wise old woman who said I needed to “walk out the front door naked” changed me and still works on me today. Especially in this particular matter…for 2 years of my college life, I hid a secret in my “black box” that I was so afraid to reveal to anyone.
Through a couple great friends, whom somewhat knew what happened, I was able to function to the outside world as “normal,” but on the inside I was stripped, violated by force, felt dirty & no amount of washing could fix it…I was numb yet filled with deep anger. The man I had dated was not who I thought he was… And my best friend was my rock – and she didn’t even know how much she meant to me ( 2 Cor 1:3,4). I had plunged back into my eating disorder as a way to “deal with the situation” – this was my refuge where I felt comfortable. After 2 years of hiding this black box, I wanted to heal but I knew I could not do it alone. I had to ask God to cleanse me, even for the guilt I felt since I took on his behavior as my own fault (Psalm 51:10-13). I felt God telling me that my anger & bitterness towards this guy was NOT hurting him, it was only hurting me…this meant I needed to forgive him. Seriously, Lord?! You want ME to do THAT?! Galatians 5:19-21 spoke to me “Now the works of the flesh…hatred, contentions, ..outbursts of wrath,…that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” This was the most difficult change of heart that I could ever do…but “I” could not do it…I HAD to ask the Lord to help me through it. I cannot even begin to tell you the evil thoughts I had towards him…how I wanted to torment him with a slow death – yes, I was ATE up with anger. Evil for evil was so wrong of me (1 Thes 5:15). I would be just as sinful as him if I did not turn it over to the Lord.
I also sought help from a rape crisis counselor and my doctor prescribed me anti-depressant medicine during the healing process. Through all this, and the Holy Spirit as my guide, I finally forgave him and moved on with my life.
I’m walking out the front door naked here for several reasons: Because through the years, as I slowly started revealing my “black box secret”, I have found that so many women have dealt with the same situation and others have “black box secrets” that are not exactly as mine, but they still felt the same as I did on the inside....some have dealt with it by turning to homosexuality, or becoming promiscuous. While others have dealt with it by turning to drugs, alcohol, food, or like me… my eating disorder. You must know that the Lord is the ONLY one that can empty that black box of yours and wash it clean! He desires & longs to be your strength and refuge (Psalm 46:1). Satan wants you to feel dirty, angered, and full of bitterness…he offers no refuge, no strength. But the Lord does -All it takes is you asking Him.
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Questions for you: Do you have any “black box secrets” that you just don’t know what to do with because it is too painful?
Do you think the Lord wants you to continue living in the pain, which prevents you from living your fullest for Him?
Have you tried to suppress this “black box” by over-consuming food or drugs? or acting out in ways you normally don't do??
There is no better time than now to ask for His strength, forgive those who have sinned against you, and stop suppressing the feelings with food. – who are you REALLY hurting?
Girl I'm amazed everytime I hear you tell this story! This is one of my greatest fears and I'm certain I would not be as gracious as you have been to your assailant or to yourself. I'm so thankful that you have allowed the Lord to work in your heart when Satan tries so hard to keep your weaknesses thrust in front of you. I know what a challenge that is. I'm proud to call you my sister! And I know the Lord is going to bless you to the fullest for telling your story and giving Him the glory! Love ya girl!
ReplyDeleteI love you too Nichole! Telling the story the first time was the hardest. Talking about it through the years was healing. Just to say the "R" word was difficult to come off my tongue.
ReplyDeleteI really feel sorry for the Lord - because I'm one of the most stubborn children He has...yes, I'm difficult and He has had to teach me many lessons through the years. I'm so thankful for His unconditional love... and His Grace.
Christie~ Trust is a major issue with me. It's not that I don't trust God, but it is trusting others, others whom I have shared with in the past and my confidence was broken. If it were only God that I was worried about, then there really would be no issues. I know He doesn't want me to dwell on the past or even current situations, but there is so much that is over consuming me and I know it is having an effect on my walk with Him. It is so hard to know who to trust because of how people have reacted in the past, but I also appreciate His patience with me and His love and grace as well. Thank you once again for making me think.
ReplyDeleteJamie, God wants you to know that those who hurt you are broken people too. Christ ASKS our permission to come in and heal, but He is kind, and the door is shut from the inside, and healing never comes against our will. YOU are the only one that can give Him permission (Rev 3:20). This doesn't mean you have to be best friends with the one who hurt you...it just means that you have given it to God - you give HIM permission to heal you. He has a plan for you...and you can not fulfill His plan until you allow Him to heal your wound. A book that you would find much healing from is called "Captivating" by Stasi & John Eldridge. I'm praying that you find courage to give it over. And not be an "Indian giver" and take it back....Im praying you let it go and see the true captivating person you were chosen to be through all this.
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