As I mentioned last week, the wise old woman who said I needed to “walk out the front door naked” changed me and still works on me today. Especially in this particular matter…for 2 years of my college life, I hid a secret in my “black box” that I was so afraid to reveal to anyone.
Through a couple great friends, whom somewhat knew what happened, I was able to function to the outside world as “normal,” but on the inside I was stripped, violated by force, felt dirty & no amount of washing could fix it…I was numb yet filled with deep anger. The man I had dated was not who I thought he was… And my best friend was my rock – and she didn’t even know how much she meant to me ( 2 Cor 1:3,4). I had plunged back into my eating disorder as a way to “deal with the situation” – this was my refuge where I felt comfortable. After 2 years of hiding this black box, I wanted to heal but I knew I could not do it alone. I had to ask God to cleanse me, even for the guilt I felt since I took on his behavior as my own fault (Psalm 51:10-13). I felt God telling me that my anger & bitterness towards this guy was NOT hurting him, it was only hurting me…this meant I needed to forgive him. Seriously, Lord?! You want ME to do THAT?! Galatians 5:19-21 spoke to me “Now the works of the flesh…hatred, contentions, ..outbursts of wrath,…that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” This was the most difficult change of heart that I could ever do…but “I” could not do it…I HAD to ask the Lord to help me through it. I cannot even begin to tell you the evil thoughts I had towards him…how I wanted to torment him with a slow death – yes, I was ATE up with anger. Evil for evil was so wrong of me (1 Thes 5:15). I would be just as sinful as him if I did not turn it over to the Lord.
I also sought help from a rape crisis counselor and my doctor prescribed me anti-depressant medicine during the healing process. Through all this, and the Holy Spirit as my guide, I finally forgave him and moved on with my life.
I’m walking out the front door naked here for several reasons: Because through the years, as I slowly started revealing my “black box secret”, I have found that so many women have dealt with the same situation and others have “black box secrets” that are not exactly as mine, but they still felt the same as I did on the inside....some have dealt with it by turning to homosexuality, or becoming promiscuous. While others have dealt with it by turning to drugs, alcohol, food, or like me… my eating disorder. You must know that the Lord is the ONLY one that can empty that black box of yours and wash it clean! He desires & longs to be your strength and refuge (Psalm 46:1). Satan wants you to feel dirty, angered, and full of bitterness…he offers no refuge, no strength. But the Lord does -All it takes is you asking Him.
Questions for you: Do you have any “black box secrets” that you just don’t know what to do with because it is too painful?
Do you think the Lord wants you to continue living in the pain, which prevents you from living your fullest for Him?
Have you tried to suppress this “black box” by over-consuming food or drugs? or acting out in ways you normally don't do??
There is no better time than now to ask for His strength, forgive those who have sinned against you, and stop suppressing the feelings with food. – who are you REALLY hurting?